The weight isn't the problem...it's the product of the problems

Let's talk about weight...mine. 

I think the last time I was truly skinny for any significant period was when I was a 4-pound preemie nearly 37 years ago.  Actually, it wasn't, but for the majority of my life, I've wrestled with the pounds.  I have struggled with self-worth, self-love and self-image, and I don't mind telling you that as of 4 years ago, I thought I had it beat.  Not so much.

2007 was a banner year.  I'd lost 34 of 44 pounds I had to lose, was hosting motivational events, dating a cutie who made me do the first double take I'd ever done in my life upon first sight, and started a new job as a Spanish teacher with much excitement and energy.  I felt more "me" than I'd ever felt, and I was on top of the world.  I had a church I loved, a family that was intact, and I felt safe.  I felt that I'd never lose my size 8/10 edge, and that I had conquered what caused me to stuff in the first place.  Not food so much, but to stuff my truth, my voice, and to stuff myself into a box that I could never fit into.  Then came 2008.

My aunt died, Cutiepie took a walk (without so much as a wave goodbye) and that set off a chain of events including the loss of my remaining 2 grandparents, to whom I was extremely close, estrangements and surreal events that culminated with my uncle's death in May of this year.  I can put it like this.  It's as though I've been underwater emotionally and mentally for the last 3.5 years, and I'm just breaking the surface.  I sat down tonight and wrote down the effect of every moment of loss; every slight; bit of disrespect; challenge and message that confirmed that I was as insignificant and invisible as I believed I was.  The moment I signed an agreement with myself that said I was less than whole, less than amazingly, divinely created, my body reacted, and so did my zippers and buttons.

I made a choice 5 years ago to work on my emotional and physical weight and to get myself in touch with myself.  Where did I cut contact with myself?  Why did I buy into the perception that there was a space between me and my truth?

I look in the mirror and I don't fully recognize the version of me that I see, because she's not fully me. She's just as I say, a version of me.  A moment of and in my existence that is invaluable because in this experience, I can re-identify the triggers and trials that influence me to stand still while the rubble piles up around me; and not only around me, inside of my emotional/spiritual spiritual space.  The messages that tell me to stand still rather than run or immediately dig myself out.  The weight that is manifest is not the problem, it's a product of my problems and perceptions, and knowing that the accurate version of me was the one who'd shed the baggage, found her voice and let her "diva shine" as my friend Sabrina says.  She's coming back.  It may not be a quick process, but I'm determined that it BE.

In a minute...

Last night, I joined my mother for a showing of a documentary on the life of the late basketball/music phenom Wayman Tisdale.  I never knew him personally, but know the smile, the joy, the gentle giant of a man he was, and I remain touched by not only his absence, but also by the deposits he made while here.  I also was touched because as Wayman said on film, and as I always say, in one minute, your life can change forever.
Last week, I had my first mammogram.  I was having tenderness in my left breast, and I was determined to find out what the issue was.  In fact, after the mammogram, I found out the tenderness seemed to be a lymph node that was enlarged, but nothing to worry about.  It's the right side that I have to find out more about.  The mammogram and sonogram showed up 2 areas of concern.  Granged, they look like benign masses or cysts, and yes, I pray that is so, but I also can't help asking myself "What if they aren't?"  What if they are truly areas of challenge that will affect my life forever?  In fact, they already have.
I'll be 37 in December, and I realize more and more, through so many signs, like extra-dry skin, weight I can't shed, gray hair, mammograms, deaths of loved ones, and so much more, that I'm not in Kansas anymore...I'm not that little girl without much to care about.  I'm not in control of much more than what I'm supposed to be in control of, and what I see is that I can't worry about what I can't control.  I shouldn't.  I should only choose to LIVE, to BE, and to LIVE and BE on purpose.  To LIVE and BE truth, as ugly or as unpalatable as it can seem to others at times.  There is no time to waste, there is no time to worry about being what others expect me to be.  There is only time to be about the business that has been entrusted to me.
I can't live in a frivolous space, a space that is devoid of direction or of power.  Been there, and now I'm not.  Notice I can't say that I have any judgments about that space in my life, because it led to me being in the power I'm in now.
I'll have a needle biopsy of each mass on November 11th, and I intend fully to share the details, the feelings, the results and the journey to, through and past the experience.  Thanks for coming with me. It isn't the results that will change me, for I am already changed for knowing that I have to have a "biopsy" to begin with. Shoot, joining the collective of women who have had their mammaries made into pancakes changed me enough! Keep you posted...really...I promise.

So...I've done it.  I've bitten the blogging bullet.  It's been a long time coming, but I don't know what stopped me.  I recall reading a novel recently and in the course of the story, the main character decided to start her own blog, but not before debating how worthy she was of sharing her voice.  "Who'll care anyway?"  "Who really has time to read what I muse about?"  I think those were my questions and fears, and now I'm getting over them because no matter who doesn't read my blog, someone will.
There's a lot for me to share, and a lot that I hope will be shared with me through this journey.  I'm constantly pondering growth, experiences and expansion, and I look forward to exercising myself in this way.  I look forward to what each of you reading will share with me and how I can be added to through you.
So, the name of my blog...Essence-Tial Truth.  It's inspired by the name of my inspirational company, Essence-tial Truths, and it speaks to us coming to connection with our essence, connecting with others our of that essence, connecting with others who function in their essence, and to connecting others TO our essence...our "essence" being our reality, our true manifestation, and even the truth that we think we don't let others see.
My joy is to be able to simply share my honest experiences and to let others know that they are safe to do the same.  Looking forward to the experience and to yours too!